Family Values = Dead Teens

One of the painful parts of having a Mormon family is that they firmly believe their church is an exemplar of Christian family values, while I live with the devastation those attitudes create. This is beyond discussion in my family, because as true believers, they cannot conceptualize a world outside their belief system, and therefore cannot see the external effects that result from it. (Someday I will post on how belief systems create this walled-in myopia, but not today.) So while they think they “get it,” the extent they do not get it is painfully obvious to anyone outside their belief system. It is horrible to watch it all play out.

To be clear, they are not anti-gay, but there are often little things, and there is one big one. It is hard for me to see them devote their lives to the country’s most relentless gay hate organization and supporting it with a tithe of 10% of their income, while saying they love and accept me.

Sadly, actions have consequences. Today was filled with news of gay teen suicides. As someone who faced the question of suicide as a result of my own childhood horrors, I have strong feelings about the anti-gay harassment of children. As my action, I share here the emails I wrote to my sisters who have kids in public schools.

I am blessed to have siblings who can receive messages like this without hating on me too much, as so many other Mormons and Christians do, although it is often disruptive to the family dynamic when I speak up to clearly. I try to keep it to a minimum, but sometimes my rage boileth over.

Email #1: Yesterday

To: A & P
Subject: Bullying.

If you ever do a political act for me, please let it be explicitly telling your school authorities that bullying of kids who are gay or perceived gay is not acceptable to you, and that bullying of others is not an acceptable environment for your kids. I have no doubt your schools are decent, but I also have no doubt that it goes on there.

If we can keep these kids alive through public school there is a good chance they will have decent lives, but as gay adults there is little we can do for grade schoolers. You have to act there to make a difference.

(There is a beautiful project just started on YouTube called It Gets Better of gay adults telling young kids their stories, and testifying that it will get better. By using YouTube we can hopefully bypass the churches and families who hate on everything gay. As Harvey Milk said, “You gotta give em hope.”)

This is the kind of news I have to see on a regular basis…

[I then pasted in Joe.My.God's news report. Here is my summary...]

13 year old Asher Brown shot himself in the head after years of torment from his peers for being gay.

Unbelievably, the story gets worse. The school officials are denying they knew about it. Poor Asher’s parents, their son has just killed himself, and they have to go up against the Texas version of “family values consequence denial syndrome”:

“Cy Fair ISD officials said Monday that they never received any complaints from Brown’s parents before the suicide about the way the boy was being treated at school. School district spokeswoman Kelli Durham said no students, school employees or the boy’s parents ever reported that he was being bullied. That statement infuriated the Truongs, who accused the school district of protecting the bullies and their parents.

That’s absolutely inaccurate — it’s completely false,” Amy Truong said. “I did not hallucinate phone calls to counselors and assistant principals. We have no reason to make this up. … It’s like they’re calling us liars.” David Truong said, “We want justice. The people here need to be held responsible and to be stopped. It did happen. There are witnesses everywhere.” Numerous comments from parents and students on the Web site of KRIV-TV Channel 26, which also reported a story about Brown’s death, stated that the boy had been bullied by classmates for several years and claimed Cy-Fair ISD does nothing to stop such harassment. (Houston Chronicle)

Joe Jervis adds:

Texas law does not protect students from anti-gay bullying, no doubt thanks to the work of Christianist groups like Focus On The Family, who lobby nationwide for the right of Christian students to abuse LGBT kids.

Email #2: This Morning

To: A & P
Subject: Re: Bullying.

And the one from the week before here in California just died.

You do know that “pro-family” organizations backed by certain churches fight mightily to stop anti-bullying programs in schools, right? The belief is that good Christians should be able to stand up for their values without school interference.

[My summary of the Joe.My.God news...]

13 year old Seth Walsh hanged himself after years of  torment from his peers for being gay. Initially unsuccessful, his suicide left him on life support for nine days. He died today. Local police said:

“Several of the kids that we talked to broke down into tears,” Jeff Kermode, Tehachapi Police Chief, said. “They had never expected an outcome such as this.”

Right, because who could imagine that bullying gay kids leads to suicide? (I will explain why this is such common result for gay kids, but not today.)

A member of Seth’s family made a lovely little upbeat video in support of him during his fight for life in the hospital. Have your tissues handy, because you know how the story ends.

Email #3: This Afternoon

To: A & P
Subject: Oh, another one

News just came in of third teen suicide resulting from anti-gay bullying. I will stop sending these, but the next time you think “we shouldn’t talk about ‘it’ in front of the kids,” or “why does Preston get so angry some times?” remember that this is the world I live in, a world that sees the consequences of family values campaigns that are not discussed from Mormon pulpits.

This must be addressed by our secular schools, as the churches will do what they will do. Any action you can take is appreciated.

(oh there. yet another bullying story just broke. Kids beat up a boy who joined the cheering squad so severely they broke his arm. I want to puke when I think of how common all this is, done in the name of good Christian values, supported by “pro-family” organizations, and only the smallest bit of the consequences gets publicly reported.)

Do something. I feel enraged and powerless. You have access to the schools and leverage to make things change, even a little.

This third suicide made it to 18 and college, but the details of how it happened are heartbreaking…

[My summary of The Star-Ledger story...]

18 year old Tyler Clementi appears to have committed suicide after being publicly tormented by his roommate and the roommate’s girlfriend. As a freshman at Rutgers, just months out of high school, this young man asked for the use of his shared dorm room until midnight. His roommate gave him the space, but the roommate and his girlfriend secretly filmed Tyler’s date with a man, which included sex, and then posted the video on the web.

Tyler’s car was found near the the George Washington Bridge with his cell phone and computer inside. His wallet was found on the walkway of the bridge itself. His body has not been found.

The roommate and girlfriend, also 18 year olds, are charged with a number of serious crimes for their violation of Tyler’s privacy.

September Death #4

I saw the newly restored Metropolis at the Castro Theater with my friend Michael tonight. Long to sit through for a silent film, it remains one of my all time favorite pieces of art. Beyond the famous scenes of a skyscraper city with freeways in the sky and planes flying between buildings, the social drama is fascinating. The movie’s moral: “The intermediator between brain and hands is Heart.” A nice sentiment for a grim day.

Michael mentioned a fourth teen suicide, which I now find occurred earlier in the month, but was in the news again today because a local group put up an anti-bullying billboard.

15 year old Billy Lucas hanged himself in the family barn in Indiana on September 2nd. As a fellow student told Fox news:

People would call him ‘fag’ and stuff like that, just make fun of him because he’s different basically. They said stuff like ‘you’re like a piece of crap’ and ‘you don’t deserve to live.’ Different things like that. Talked about how he was gay or whatever.

Well that’s clear.

Why So Many

We know gay teen suicide is common. I wonder if we are hearing about so many today because they are being reported. In previous years shame ruled, and a family would never speak of a gay suicide. Maybe our cultural climate has changed enough that families are speaking out about the causes of their children’s deaths in a way we have never seen before.

For gay teen suicide prevention and support, see the Trevor Project.

Rest in peace Asher, Seth, Tyler, and Billy.

[Update Oct 1, 2009: A fifth one]

19 year old Raymond Chase hung himself this week. Openly gay, Raymond played on his college basketball team at Johnson & Wales University of Providence, Rhode Island. The reasons for his suicide are not known at this time.

Again, congrats to the family values monsters out there who create the world where this could appear the valid solution to teenagers in pain. The grim body count of your success rises.

And rest in peace, Raymond.